Coffee Beans Tales: Chapter 4

What???? Now, you expect me to introduce myself the way Jaan did? OK..

I am that son of a bitch about whom everybody gossips in this madman’s land because apparently international gossips sell more than the domestic ones. I have never seen my mother, nor have I heard about her from my father or anyone else, not in straightforward conversations anyways. But I just know that I am the result of a spur in the moment rendezvous sixteen years ago. I have overheard things both here and at home, which is why I hate coming to India. I hate it with all my soul. But I cannot stay away no matter how much I try. It’s not like my father forces me to come here. He always leaves it to my choice and I always end up coming back as though something is magnetically drawing me to this place. It could be her memories that I wish to rediscover though I do not have the courage to admit that. I never missed having a mother because you cannot miss something you never had from the start. But then you see these patterns, everywhere around you. It was the day I learned the definition of “family” at school that I realised perhaps I do not have one.  I could not bring myself to ask about all these to my father because he was a wanderer who came once in a while with more gifts than I knew how to count. I chose to immerse myself in those blips and called it life.

I have lived doubting, questioning, and worrying because I have not been able to fit myself in the conventional definitions. It’s as though I do not have an essence. But look at her. She is all that can be defined by the word essence. She is a force of nature that just encapsulates everything around her like they belong to her. I must admit that I have laughed like I have never before when I am with Jaan. It’s her pathetically funny persona, nothing likeable but something that hooks your curiosity. She looks gloomy when she doesn’t speak, which is a rare occurrence because she is always yapping about countless minute things, one moment it’s about a lady bug and the next moment it’s about the patriarchy. You never get bored when you are with her. Am I saying positive things about her now? I don’t know. Something is wrong with my head.

Suddenly, I had the sensation of my fingers being interlaced with hers. I could undo the interlacing if I wanted to because she had held my hands so lightly as if it were some relic made of glass. But instead I strengthened the grip and drew her a bit closer than she already was. We were standing in this breathtakingly beautiful place with an astounding combination of colours all around. The fragrance of the flowers was making me feel light headed as if I was falling into some kind of trance. I could see two black, large eyes piercing into my eyes, into my heart with a closeness that felt overwhelming, but too precious to break off. Thick black curls flew in the wind, slightly brushing against my cheeks. Maybe, it was the evening sun, this place, I do not know what was causing me to see her in a new light. Before I completely lost myself and did something irreversible, a very sharp pricking pain dug into my wrist causing me to flinch and scream in pain.

Forgive my intrusion. Yes, I pinched him. I pinched him with my well groomed nails so hard that my coveted little cuties broke down and I could see teeny tiny red marks on his pale wrists. His scream frightened my poor babies and I could hear them cursing me for bringing a stranger into our haven. I am not quite sure what caused me to pursue such an extreme act of violence. The look in his eyes began to scare me. His sea blue eyes were just a few seconds away from my eyelashes and I was terrified. It felt as if he was lost in some deep slumber with his eyes wide open. My mind’s voice asked me to awaken him, and that’s what I did. He was so awake that right after screaming he ran down the hills like some maniac and became a small speck of dust before my eyes.

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